DREAMING

Someone said to me "What are your dreams and plans for the future?" and for the first time in my life I was at a word-loss. I used to be a big dreamer and a lot of the times those dreams actually came true (even if only for a short while).

Now I live my life one day at a time, just struggling to be "OK" with the hardships of life, this is ok for a bad patch in yur life but not for all of it...

Now I find myself in infant-mode where I need to learn how to walk again, I used to run, but that seems a different life in another parallel universe. Only thing is that this time it feels like there is no parent to hold my hand for if I fall, I have to learn by myself.

I try and focus my mind but as the noise from the surroundings fade to put me in a "dream-like state" something happened which I should have known but have "conveniently" forgot; depression attacks! I remember and think of all the bad, all the feelings and pain that brought me to this dreamless place. NO!!!!!

Now I remember why I had to switch of that part of my mind and heart, that's the place full of scars and pain, that's also the place I confined the demons to. S**T! I need that space back, although that part of me is scorched, I need to try and repair it, but how. There is Evil here waiting on me to enter so they can attack!

I thought I was coping so well, but maybe I was just in defense mode against my past. Even this blog was meant to be a positive remembrance to dream again but yet it is enough to scratch open a big enough gap for the demons to poke their heads out.

I will post again l8r about dreaming, for now I need to patch up a gap in a wall...

Choices

"WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?"

This I have heard so many times, both echoing from my own vocals and from that of a friend or just someone I'm having a casual chat with. Don't we all pursue this most (if not all) of our lives?

This I can tell you, the one thing that my life and all the roller-coaster rides that came with it has taught me is the everything in life is only a choice away. Yes you'll probably will have to make that choice on a constant basis to get the lasting effect but it is nothing more than that.

If you go to a motivational seminar and choose to feel better afterwards you will do so until you choose to feel like down again. If you wake up in the morning and make a choice to feel good you will until you choose otherwise. Take this scenario: Two guys both from tough backgrounds and that had lots of issues growing up both get dumped by their girlfriends who is the love of their lives. The one crawl into a hole and think about suicide and revert to being constantly drunk to "handle" the pain and the other one carries on with his life and although it hurts he bounces back and take life on and start living a normal and happy life.

Why does this same situation have different outcomes? Choices! We either choose to be depressed or choose to be happy. To choose to be happy doesn't mean we make that decision and it is permanent, no, we have to make that decision everytime something bad happens, a memory arises or you see something that triggers emotions. This is a process of interlinked choices that make us who we are.

I am not saying it is a walk in the park, all I am saying is that it is possible. So why can't you be happy? Because you haven't begun the process of making a decision to do so. Just try it, start with something simple, say to yourself that tomorrow you will get out of bed and not dread the day ahead. Then if you feel different during the course of the day look back and check when/where you decided to feel different.

Once you get into the mindset of making these kind of decisions start tackling the bigger issues in your life and you will not believe the difference you will see.

Darkness

The last few days I have been walking in the light, shining down on me so bright that at times it felt surreal, like this heavenly glow on your face.

This place was so welcomed as I felt separated from this light for some time now, I could see it shining outside my window but I would only peak at it through the narrowest of openings in my curtain as I felt burnt and the darkness, although scary, did offer some level of comfort & relief and in this darkness the ppl around me did not have to see my face.

Why is it then that when I am in the light those comforts that the darkness offer seem so stupid and actually quite laughable? Why do we so many times look for the darkness? Well this time it found me! I wasn't even looking for it... NO REALLY!

It came in the form of some embarrassing moments, followed by people just not understanding and sprinkled with some just plain rudeness. This cast a shadow on this light that I came to love again but this time I fought it, I wanted to spend some more time in this light, I mean honestly I did not even get the time to get a slight tan.

The thing is, have you ever try and run from a shadow? If you really think about it, we can run from most shadows except our own. So I realized I'm running from my own shadows and not some shadow this cruel world is casting. This is part of me while I'm in the light. Whether I see it or not depends on the direction I'm facing.

We can be in a bad place and see the light and be at a good place and have troubles, how much this affects you will depend on the direction your facing. If you focus on your goals in life then it makes the shadows seem to hide. Accept that bad things will happen but then also accept that even if life is at its worst that there is light outside just waiting to shine on you!

My Mind

My mind wanders into the abyss of timelessness while my body carry on with its android-like behavior. I "convince" myself that people around me does not notice this, that they think nothing is wrong, like a child hiding behind his bedroom door convinced that his mother (who is playing hide and seek with him) has no idea he is there. But this too is not true...

I check the time and realize that I'm alone in the office, everyone else has left: "Where has the day gone?", "What did I miss?"

Now its off to try and pass some more time until my mind numbs enough to trick my body into going to sleep. This these last few weeks seems to be like the change from night to day; you know its going to happen almost like clockwork whether you want it to or not. With this too I'm convincing myself that it's so bad, when I actually does seem to have quite a few differentiating factors involved.

Actually when looking at the bigger picture all is not THAT bad. This seems like a cliche but its not. The question remains: "Will my mind be on my side tonight or against me?"

Why is it that we spend so much time convincing ourselves that everything is so bad? Why don't we spend that time and effort convincing ourselves that all is well or that there is hope? I mean really, we do seem to be very good at convincing!